First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
