i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
