you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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