Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
worst night to have a conscience
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
