The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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