Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
