u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
