If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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