Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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