Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
