Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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