All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
