god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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