Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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