well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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