First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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