Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
