The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
