i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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