So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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