then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
