Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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