dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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