Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
