im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
