Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
