No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Even the bartender felt bad for me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Randomize
