Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
