You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
