So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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