Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
