That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
