Betty ford says i'm here all night
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
