a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
