Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
