If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
we have pet lesbian snakes
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
