sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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