Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
