Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Dignity is for republicans.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
