he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
