i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just blew my weed a kiss
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
