Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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