This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
