Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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