ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
