Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
