Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
