I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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