Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
