there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
