Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
